future.

Last night I got an e-mail from my past self (FutureMe.org). Talk about a mind-fuck. I need to better my life. I have way too much time to think, and that's never good. It's just a conveyer belt, going 'round and 'round. Time to throw some action into the mix.

frenemy

I wanted to say to her, "Maybe if you lost your attitude and superiority complex, you'd realize there's a whole lot more this world can give you than what you currently have."

Then I thought, hey, girl, that's good advice, now turn it back 'round on yourself.

lonely

I am alone. Impatiently alone. I want someone, some partner, whom I love and who loves me, and I want him now. Impatient like tonight at work, at 5:30, when I'm off at 7 and just wanted to go home, right then. Because all the bullshit I had to slog through to get to 7 (which turned out to be 7:50, because oh, 7 means closing, don't you know?) was just that - bullshit. Fold the clothes, hang the clothes, tweak the fucking clothes. Make sure everything's perfect, and then you're released.

I want him, my future boyfriend, my future love NOW (does he exist? Are my hopes implausible? Do I sound like an oh-so-dreamy Twilight-loving tween? God I hope not).

The thing is this: I want someone who makes me laugh, whom I make laugh. A good kisser. We love being near each-other. I'm happy to see him. He's happy to see me. We walk down the street and he takes my hand. He'll kiss me, out of nowhere, just because.

All the sweet, romantic shit. Hell yeah, I want that. I want someone who I adore, who adores me. Will I find that? Will I? Does that exist? Someone whole, and unattached, and lovely? Will I find that - and equally important, will someone find me and think all these same things?

Tonight, I sleep alone. I wish I had someone next to me. A warm body to reach for. A comforting face. That would be nice.

twisted.

Life's a cosine curve.

sad.

I wonder, sometimes (all the time).... what the hell is wrong with me.

Hm.

One good thing -- the first time, ever, my editor has responded to my story saying she couldn't fit all of it in the paper, but it will all go online. No edits. (But I don't trust that I won't get a phone call tomorrow.)

Hm.

There's a new kid at work. He's my new best friend. We have identical senses of humor. We can chit-chat. He's going to fix me up with his firefighter friend. Manna from Heaven?

I saw an old face yesterday. I missed it. Saw another old face today. I didn't miss that one.

well.

Board of Ed meeting last night. I continue to think two weeks is the perfect measure of time to see the small changes in your life.

Oh, and I hate these meetings. They are so boring, and I can never seem to write a good article.

So I'm sitting here, laptop on the lap, notes by my side, photos (which the editor will hate) already loaded and attached to the email.

And nada.

I don't want to write. Deadline's in two hours. It would take me one, if I would just do it.

I am not a good worker. I am not a good writer. I don't know what to do.

back

I've been busy. Away to D.C. for three days with the mom and sister. Oh, such a fascinating experiment to throw three female family members together for an extended (?) period of time.
It was a lovely trip.