last month

In the past month, I.....

celebrated Christmas with family, a welcome difference from last year, which I spent alone due to work constraints.

Marked the passing of my great-aunt Pearl, an extraordinary woman, at the age of 101.

Rang in the new year with an old friend and a roomful of new ones.

Wished someone who'd hurt me best of luck with everything, and meant it.

Got a new job! Full-time, benefits, regular hours and it's not retail.

Life's a struggle, but the hard times always subside. It's just hard to remember when you're in it. And if I live be 101, I should try to relax and stop stressin'.

up-and-down

Feeling a little bipolar lately.

future.

Last night I got an e-mail from my past self (FutureMe.org). Talk about a mind-fuck. I need to better my life. I have way too much time to think, and that's never good. It's just a conveyer belt, going 'round and 'round. Time to throw some action into the mix.

frenemy

I wanted to say to her, "Maybe if you lost your attitude and superiority complex, you'd realize there's a whole lot more this world can give you than what you currently have."

Then I thought, hey, girl, that's good advice, now turn it back 'round on yourself.

lonely

I am alone. Impatiently alone. I want someone, some partner, whom I love and who loves me, and I want him now. Impatient like tonight at work, at 5:30, when I'm off at 7 and just wanted to go home, right then. Because all the bullshit I had to slog through to get to 7 (which turned out to be 7:50, because oh, 7 means closing, don't you know?) was just that - bullshit. Fold the clothes, hang the clothes, tweak the fucking clothes. Make sure everything's perfect, and then you're released.

I want him, my future boyfriend, my future love NOW (does he exist? Are my hopes implausible? Do I sound like an oh-so-dreamy Twilight-loving tween? God I hope not).

The thing is this: I want someone who makes me laugh, whom I make laugh. A good kisser. We love being near each-other. I'm happy to see him. He's happy to see me. We walk down the street and he takes my hand. He'll kiss me, out of nowhere, just because.

All the sweet, romantic shit. Hell yeah, I want that. I want someone who I adore, who adores me. Will I find that? Will I? Does that exist? Someone whole, and unattached, and lovely? Will I find that - and equally important, will someone find me and think all these same things?

Tonight, I sleep alone. I wish I had someone next to me. A warm body to reach for. A comforting face. That would be nice.

twisted.

Life's a cosine curve.

sad.

I wonder, sometimes (all the time).... what the hell is wrong with me.

Hm.

One good thing -- the first time, ever, my editor has responded to my story saying she couldn't fit all of it in the paper, but it will all go online. No edits. (But I don't trust that I won't get a phone call tomorrow.)

Hm.

There's a new kid at work. He's my new best friend. We have identical senses of humor. We can chit-chat. He's going to fix me up with his firefighter friend. Manna from Heaven?

I saw an old face yesterday. I missed it. Saw another old face today. I didn't miss that one.