Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Saw Paranormal Activity 3. Now sitting on the couch with every light in the apartment on (not the bathroom, so not "every")-- what was that? Nothing. You imagined it. It's dead silent. Dead. Deadly. Ummmmmm, OK, anyway.

Wrestling. There's something I want that I can definitely, in no way have. But I waaaaant it. And it's hard. It hurts me, a little bit. A little twinge. The sadness spills over. So sad. I need to make a change.

Want to move to the city. For real. Well. I've been saying that for a year. Longer.

Maybe this is different. Because I really do need a REAL, tangible change. Sick of this daily grind. Need a change of scenery. Need to get off Long Island. Need to get away from myself. (Ah, but there is no running from oneself, not really!) Maybe just get some distance between this thing I want but can definitely not have. Forget about the thing. Distract myself with something shiny.

I don't want to be here anymore. Don't want to work retail through the holiday season. A vision of me sitting, crumpled, on the sales floor, folding pajamas at 2a.m. and sobbing, is a little to clear in my head. But it's what I know. Which is why I've stayed so long. (Maybe. Who knows "why" anything, really. Our minds are a bunch of swirling questions, at least mine is.)

Tired of driving all over Long Island, although I really do love driving - it relaxes me.

I can't get through another winter here. I want to be in the city. I want a new start. I'm only 22. I deserve it. Right?

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