thoughts

I want to write, but what about?

A list of random thoughts, alrighty!

-Work has been crazy-busy, but it occupies the mind.
-When you're left to sit still for too long, my mind goes to bad places.
-This includes, lately, every night when I turn off my light to sleep. The thoughts come too fast. Always the same one. Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. You are your own worst enemy, you'll never win the fight.
-Shocker, hormone levels effect your mood. Break. Ing. news. Turns out there was a reason, other than a flaw in my personality, that I was in tears last week.
-Living alone can get lonely. (Sure, I have a roommate, but she's just a roommate, and we're passing ships in the night. I miss living with my friend.)
-A phone call from a friend can relaly brighten the day.
-ONE nice customer can totally change your mood.
-So can a bad one.
-So can stepping away and taking a breather.
-I will always appreciate a new and undiscovered source of good writing.
-Francis and the Machine - Shake it Off. Listen to on repeat.
-Life is crazy.
-Life is boring.
-Life is repetitive.
-It can change in an instant.
-But change can be gradual, or dramatic.
-Fear is the thing that holds us back. Fear is the strongest thing we will ever build, and its strength relies entirely on our own self-delusion.
-Inactivity is a manfiestation of laziness, complacency, and perhaps fear.
-Christmas music should really not start until after Thanksgiving. November is for turkey, December is for Santa.
-Ditto on the Christmas decorations. Why should Christmas get two whole months of celebration? Makes me dread the holiday.
-Editors can be the nitpickiest creatures.
-Duh, that's what they're paid for.
-Freelancing is hard when you have a full-time job.
-I'm grateful for my job, but I sure wish it paid more. Like, double.
-Still: thankful.
-Alright, that's enough.

twinge

Saw Paranormal Activity 3. Now sitting on the couch with every light in the apartment on (not the bathroom, so not "every")-- what was that? Nothing. You imagined it. It's dead silent. Dead. Deadly. Ummmmmm, OK, anyway.

Wrestling. There's something I want that I can definitely, in no way have. But I waaaaant it. And it's hard. It hurts me, a little bit. A little twinge. The sadness spills over. So sad. I need to make a change.

Want to move to the city. For real. Well. I've been saying that for a year. Longer.

Maybe this is different. Because I really do need a REAL, tangible change. Sick of this daily grind. Need a change of scenery. Need to get off Long Island. Need to get away from myself. (Ah, but there is no running from oneself, not really!) Maybe just get some distance between this thing I want but can definitely not have. Forget about the thing. Distract myself with something shiny.

I don't want to be here anymore. Don't want to work retail through the holiday season. A vision of me sitting, crumpled, on the sales floor, folding pajamas at 2a.m. and sobbing, is a little to clear in my head. But it's what I know. Which is why I've stayed so long. (Maybe. Who knows "why" anything, really. Our minds are a bunch of swirling questions, at least mine is.)

Tired of driving all over Long Island, although I really do love driving - it relaxes me.

I can't get through another winter here. I want to be in the city. I want a new start. I'm only 22. I deserve it. Right?

maybe you should take a stand for something that ACTUALLY matters?

*This happened at the beginning of December, just as the holiday craziness was beginning.*

I am tired and patience is running on empty. A woman comes up to pay for a shirt. It’s $15.99, plus tax. $17.67. She’s holding her credit card.

“I had a coupon for 10%...” she trails off. Customers love the trail-off, hoping I will fill in the ending for them.

“OK,” I say, and wait.

“This is a new card,” she explains. “When I got it in the mail, they said I could get 10% off.” There is no such thing. The new cards have a few features, including tracking purchases to reward loyal, big spenders with coupons. But I have never heard of this 10% coupon, and I’m not about to honor a woman’s random claim.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but you need the coupon.”

“Yeah, they told me I couldn’t use it down there [at the other register]…” Which is why you came down here, even though an employee already told you no?

“I’m sorry. If you find the coupon and bring it back with the receipt, we can do a price adjustment,” I offer. I know she won’t find the coupon. It doesn’t exist.

I ring up the shirt and swipe her credit card through.

“Can you please sign?” I ask.

She stares. “How much was the shirt?” she demands.

“$17.67.”

“No. The original price,” she snits.

After the credit card is swiped, a window opens on the screen, waiting for the customer’s signature. I cannot access the list of purchases until the customer signs.

“I can’t see it,” I try to explain. I show her the screen. “I can’t see it until you sign.”

“Well, if I sign, the purchase goes through,” she snits again. This woman is dancing on top of my already-frazzled nerves.

“Fine,” I huff. I cancel the sale, take the shirt out of the bag, and re-ring it.

“You’d think you’d be happy people are shopping in your store.” Snit.

Ring. Original cost: $40.00. Sale price: $15.99. Total: $17.67. So glad we learned all that. I swipe her card again. She signs. I hand her the bag. She throws it back on the counter.

“You know what? Return it.”

“Excuse me?”

“Return it. I don’t like your attitude.”

I stare at this woman. I am not about to fight with her over a $16 shirt. If she wants to indulge in the delusional belief she is taking a stand over the snooty salesgirl, let her. She wants to think her $16 sale makes one iota of difference in this business conglomerate, let her. We don’t want you here anyway. Go back to Walmart.

I tap out the necessary buttons. Return. Scan receipt. Scan shirt. Swipe card. I take devilish pleasure in demanding that she sign again. I staple all the receipts together and hand them to her.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t solve your problem today,” I say, and move onto the next customer.