Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Last night I got an e-mail from my past self (FutureMe.org). Talk about a mind-fuck. I need to better my life. I have way too much time to think, and that's never good. It's just a conveyer belt, going 'round and 'round. Time to throw some action into the mix.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I wanted to say to her, "Maybe if you lost your attitude and superiority complex, you'd realize there's a whole lot more this world can give you than what you currently have."

Then I thought, hey, girl, that's good advice, now turn it back 'round on yourself.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I am alone. Impatiently alone. I want someone, some partner, whom I love and who loves me, and I want him now. Impatient like tonight at work, at 5:30, when I'm off at 7 and just wanted to go home, right then. Because all the bullshit I had to slog through to get to 7 (which turned out to be 7:50, because oh, 7 means closing, don't you know?) was just that - bullshit. Fold the clothes, hang the clothes, tweak the fucking clothes. Make sure everything's perfect, and then you're released.

I want him, my future boyfriend, my future love NOW (does he exist? Are my hopes implausible? Do I sound like an oh-so-dreamy Twilight-loving tween? God I hope not).

The thing is this: I want someone who makes me laugh, whom I make laugh. A good kisser. We love being near each-other. I'm happy to see him. He's happy to see me. We walk down the street and he takes my hand. He'll kiss me, out of nowhere, just because.

All the sweet, romantic shit. Hell yeah, I want that. I want someone who I adore, who adores me. Will I find that? Will I? Does that exist? Someone whole, and unattached, and lovely? Will I find that - and equally important, will someone find me and think all these same things?

Tonight, I sleep alone. I wish I had someone next to me. A warm body to reach for. A comforting face. That would be nice.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


I wonder, sometimes (all the time).... what the hell is wrong with me.


One good thing -- the first time, ever, my editor has responded to my story saying she couldn't fit all of it in the paper, but it will all go online. No edits. (But I don't trust that I won't get a phone call tomorrow.)


There's a new kid at work. He's my new best friend. We have identical senses of humor. We can chit-chat. He's going to fix me up with his firefighter friend. Manna from Heaven?

I saw an old face yesterday. I missed it. Saw another old face today. I didn't miss that one.


Board of Ed meeting last night. I continue to think two weeks is the perfect measure of time to see the small changes in your life.

Oh, and I hate these meetings. They are so boring, and I can never seem to write a good article.

So I'm sitting here, laptop on the lap, notes by my side, photos (which the editor will hate) already loaded and attached to the email.

And nada.

I don't want to write. Deadline's in two hours. It would take me one, if I would just do it.

I am not a good worker. I am not a good writer. I don't know what to do.

Monday, November 14, 2011


I've been busy. Away to D.C. for three days with the mom and sister. Oh, such a fascinating experiment to throw three female family members together for an extended (?) period of time.
It was a lovely trip.

Monday, November 7, 2011


I want to write, but what about?

A list of random thoughts, alrighty!

-Work has been crazy-busy, but it occupies the mind.
-When you're left to sit still for too long, my mind goes to bad places.
-This includes, lately, every night when I turn off my light to sleep. The thoughts come too fast. Always the same one. Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. You are your own worst enemy, you'll never win the fight.
-Shocker, hormone levels effect your mood. Break. Ing. news. Turns out there was a reason, other than a flaw in my personality, that I was in tears last week.
-Living alone can get lonely. (Sure, I have a roommate, but she's just a roommate, and we're passing ships in the night. I miss living with my friend.)
-A phone call from a friend can relaly brighten the day.
-ONE nice customer can totally change your mood.
-So can a bad one.
-So can stepping away and taking a breather.
-I will always appreciate a new and undiscovered source of good writing.
-Francis and the Machine - Shake it Off. Listen to on repeat.
-Life is crazy.
-Life is boring.
-Life is repetitive.
-It can change in an instant.
-But change can be gradual, or dramatic.
-Fear is the thing that holds us back. Fear is the strongest thing we will ever build, and its strength relies entirely on our own self-delusion.
-Inactivity is a manfiestation of laziness, complacency, and perhaps fear.
-Christmas music should really not start until after Thanksgiving. November is for turkey, December is for Santa.
-Ditto on the Christmas decorations. Why should Christmas get two whole months of celebration? Makes me dread the holiday.
-Editors can be the nitpickiest creatures.
-Duh, that's what they're paid for.
-Freelancing is hard when you have a full-time job.
-I'm grateful for my job, but I sure wish it paid more. Like, double.
-Still: thankful.
-Alright, that's enough.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

doing something hard > easy way out

To the guys I've liked, who completely dropped out of my life --

It IS hard to make a phone call, explaining that you're not that into me/don't want to be involved/ want to cut off contact.

It's hard, and uncomfortable and awkward, and you don't really know what to say. So, you don't like me anymore. You can't explain attraction. It's there or it isn't. Maybe you liked me a week ago, and today, not so much. Or life's circumstances arose, and.....yeah. Explaining something is hard.

But guess what? The injured party appreciates the thought. Also, the dignity of being recognized as a human worthy of a fucking phone call - which is not a lot, but also is.

So I picked up my cell phone and dialed his number, and said I'm sorry, I've been thinking about you the past few days, and I'm not ready for a relationship. And I'm sorry, I really am, it's me and my own issues, and you're a really nice guy, and I feel bad - but it's just the way it is.

It's better than the coward's way out, is all I'm saying.