I am alone. Impatiently alone. I want someone, some partner, whom I love and who loves me, and I want him now. Impatient like tonight at work, at 5:30, when I'm off at 7 and just wanted to go home, right then. Because all the bullshit I had to slog through to get to 7 (which turned out to be 7:50, because oh, 7 means closing, don't you know?) was just that - bullshit. Fold the clothes, hang the clothes, tweak the fucking clothes. Make sure everything's perfect, and then you're released.
I want him, my future boyfriend, my future love NOW (does he exist? Are my hopes implausible? Do I sound like an oh-so-dreamy Twilight-loving tween? God I hope not).
The thing is this: I want someone who makes me laugh, whom I make laugh. A good kisser. We love being near each-other. I'm happy to see him. He's happy to see me. We walk down the street and he takes my hand. He'll kiss me, out of nowhere, just because.
All the sweet, romantic shit. Hell yeah, I want that. I want someone who I adore, who adores me. Will I find that? Will I? Does that exist? Someone whole, and unattached, and lovely? Will I find that - and equally important, will someone find me and think all these same things?
Tonight, I sleep alone. I wish I had someone next to me. A warm body to reach for. A comforting face. That would be nice.
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
doing something hard > easy way out
To the guys I've liked, who completely dropped out of my life --
It IS hard to make a phone call, explaining that you're not that into me/don't want to be involved/ want to cut off contact.
It's hard, and uncomfortable and awkward, and you don't really know what to say. So, you don't like me anymore. You can't explain attraction. It's there or it isn't. Maybe you liked me a week ago, and today, not so much. Or life's circumstances arose, and.....yeah. Explaining something is hard.
But guess what? The injured party appreciates the thought. Also, the dignity of being recognized as a human worthy of a fucking phone call - which is not a lot, but also is.
So I picked up my cell phone and dialed his number, and said I'm sorry, I've been thinking about you the past few days, and I'm not ready for a relationship. And I'm sorry, I really am, it's me and my own issues, and you're a really nice guy, and I feel bad - but it's just the way it is.
It's better than the coward's way out, is all I'm saying.
It IS hard to make a phone call, explaining that you're not that into me/don't want to be involved/ want to cut off contact.
It's hard, and uncomfortable and awkward, and you don't really know what to say. So, you don't like me anymore. You can't explain attraction. It's there or it isn't. Maybe you liked me a week ago, and today, not so much. Or life's circumstances arose, and.....yeah. Explaining something is hard.
But guess what? The injured party appreciates the thought. Also, the dignity of being recognized as a human worthy of a fucking phone call - which is not a lot, but also is.
So I picked up my cell phone and dialed his number, and said I'm sorry, I've been thinking about you the past few days, and I'm not ready for a relationship. And I'm sorry, I really am, it's me and my own issues, and you're a really nice guy, and I feel bad - but it's just the way it is.
It's better than the coward's way out, is all I'm saying.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
boys.
Yesterday: Day off. What did I do? No, really..........OH! Lunch with a friend, library for a few hours, picked up winter clothes from Mom, went to Board of Ed. meeting.
Today: Drove friend to work at 12. Went to work at 2 to closing. So boring. Whoop-ee.
I cover board of education meetings every other work as a freelancer. I've done three.
It's funny the difference two weeks can make. It's a perfect amount of time, really, to tell if you like someone, or you've settled into your home, or if you're happy at work, what friendships have changed, what's new, what's disapepared.
(Wrote this on receipt paper at work. I do that a lot.)
My Life by BOE meetings --
1st one, 9/6 --
He had come over to Mom's apartment. We went for a walk. Some chit-chat, a few kisses. Oddly, a few tears, which he oh-so-gently swept from my face. So sweet. We walk back and he comes inside, just for a minute. We hug goodbye and as we both drive away, he honks and waves.
me: OMG LI drivers!!!
him: i know right?
9/20 --
He called but I couldn't answer. I call back on my way to the meeting. It's an alright conversation, but the fact I haven't seen him in a week is not lost on me.
10/4 --
Deleted his #, deleted the texts a few days ago. Went on a not-a-date last night with someone else. He paid for my ticket and kissed me good-night. It was not a date. I don't have that fluttery feeling, but maybe I could like him.
So what if the butterflies/goosebumps/unicorns-shitting-rainbows aren't there yet? They can form, right? And here's a guy who might like me. And I'm so fucking used to being alone that I worry I always will be. It's not just a habit, it's an ingrained trait. I don't want it to be. (Still, don't force something with someone who isn't right.) But just enjoy the company? For a little while? Forget about the other guy. It's stupid.
(So many brain cells about boys. So. Many. Cells.)
Today: Drove friend to work at 12. Went to work at 2 to closing. So boring. Whoop-ee.
I cover board of education meetings every other work as a freelancer. I've done three.
It's funny the difference two weeks can make. It's a perfect amount of time, really, to tell if you like someone, or you've settled into your home, or if you're happy at work, what friendships have changed, what's new, what's disapepared.
(Wrote this on receipt paper at work. I do that a lot.)
My Life by BOE meetings --
1st one, 9/6 --
He had come over to Mom's apartment. We went for a walk. Some chit-chat, a few kisses. Oddly, a few tears, which he oh-so-gently swept from my face. So sweet. We walk back and he comes inside, just for a minute. We hug goodbye and as we both drive away, he honks and waves.
me: OMG LI drivers!!!
him: i know right?
9/20 --
He called but I couldn't answer. I call back on my way to the meeting. It's an alright conversation, but the fact I haven't seen him in a week is not lost on me.
10/4 --
Deleted his #, deleted the texts a few days ago. Went on a not-a-date last night with someone else. He paid for my ticket and kissed me good-night. It was not a date. I don't have that fluttery feeling, but maybe I could like him.
So what if the butterflies/goosebumps/unicorns-shitting-rainbows aren't there yet? They can form, right? And here's a guy who might like me. And I'm so fucking used to being alone that I worry I always will be. It's not just a habit, it's an ingrained trait. I don't want it to be. (Still, don't force something with someone who isn't right.) But just enjoy the company? For a little while? Forget about the other guy. It's stupid.
(So many brain cells about boys. So. Many. Cells.)
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